Comparison

By Iyanu Adeyemo (IG - @iyanuadeyemo_)

I was scrolling Instagram quietly on a Friday evening. I had just shut my laptop down and decided to relax a bit. Do you know? All work and no play?.... I came across a secondary school classmate who was running her Ph.D. already. She made a post about how she was glad to have a particular supervisor. My first reaction was to like the post. A Ph.D.? So good! I didn't make a comment though. I kept scrolling through my IG feed and the next thought that came to me was: "Iyanu, this old classmate is going for her Ph.D. already and you're still in this your Law School drama." I shrugged it off at first and reminded myself that God had been good to me. I told myself that I was right on course. But, I like to be honest with my feelings, at that minute, I felt a little backward.

I'm sure you have heard the phrase "comparison is a thief of joy." In case you haven't, let's say this is your first time. Has something similar to the story above ever happened to you? I want to guess so, after all, we're all humans.

To say that comparison is not real is to live in a facade. So, we won't go ahead to ignore that feeling and put it in the back seat. We're going to face it, ask ourselves some questions, and learn how to get over it. Let's get started then.

What does comparison mean?

A comparison suggests that you place your circumstances side by side with someone else's. Most times, it happens in the mind, in our thought faculty. Consequently, you might not think it's a big deal since it can't be seen.

Why is comparison unhealthy?

1. It makes you lose sight of your strengths

When you compare yourself with another person, you place that person's strength beside your weakness. That's not fair to yourself. Remember my Ph.D. friend? I took her academic speed and placed it side by side with my own journey. But I didn't mention that that classmate has been in the UK for 7 years and I haven't left the shores of Nigeria. I have experienced delays beyond my control while she didn't. Now, am I being fair to myself when I made that judgment? No, I wasn't.

2. Comparison is a backward mentality

When you compare yourself with another person, you are indirectly placing yourself in competition with others. Truthfully, the education system in Nigeria may breed competition and the desire to outdo others. There's always a best graduating student against all other students. This conditioning isn't too good for real-life experience.

Life is not a competition. You're not in competition with anyone but yourself. Good, there's a competition and we'll get to that in a bit. However, it's a backward-looking life to keep thinking of how your life measures with other people's successes.

3. You can't be better than everyone else

When you compare yourself, you either envy those who are ahead of you or disdain those below you. But the truth is, you can't always be the first. You won't always be the best speaker in the room. Someone somewhere else has faced similar circumstances as you and is way better than you are. If your happiness is dependent on outdoing someone else or achieving better than they have, then you're setting yourself up for big trouble. It's going to be a lot of headaches on the way because you're always going to find someone better than you are.

Now that we know why a life of comparison is bad for us, let's see how to deal with it. Remember we promised not to ignore it or shove it aside? Let's see how to do that.

How to deal with comparison

1. Focus on your journey

Many times when we compare ourselves with other people, we look at their lives. Ponder on it, read their

story, and wish we had it that way. At that instant, we've lost focus.

You have a life of your own. Your journey is unique to you. Your experiences might be unique to you as well. So, focus on that.

Where are you going? What are your plans? What goals have you set and what systems have you put into place to achieve those goals? How will you measure your growth and progress? If you are busy with your plans, you might not be too bothered.

Okay, assuming you’re still bothered, here’s another point for you.

2. Celebrate your wins and milestones

Comparing yourself with others makes it look like you haven't achieved anything in your life. Look closely and think deeply, and you'll find out that isn't entirely true.

Did you write a book? Did you start paying attention to your personal development? A podcast? Or did you finally start that business? Maybe you began to post on social media? Or started exploring your hobbies? Whatever that win might be, no matter how insignificant you think it is, celebrate it. Celebrate your progress. Don't be too hard on yourself.

3. Abundance mindset over scarcity mindset

A scarcity mindset believes that success is limited. It assumes that if it's going well for someone, it automatically means it'll go bad for them. A scarcity mindset thinks that there isn't enough money to go round the world. A scarcity mindset wants to achieve first, simply because that person thinks that success cannot be shared. However, this mindset isn't for the top people in the world.

An abundance mindset on the other hand believes that everyone in life can achieve success. After all, the sky is big enough for all birds to fly. Begin to think abundance. After all, there are no punctuality prefects to catch latecomers in success.

4. Define what success means to you

What does success mean to you? For example, you may define success as having a family, taking care of your kids, and having a loving husband or wife. Another person may perceive success in their academics as important. What do you value the most?

When you have your answers, focus on achieving them. So that next time you see your old classmate getting married on IG while you're still on your Master’s program or while you have a deadline to beat at work, remember your success story. Remember your priority and be grateful for it. Once you know what success means to you, stand by your choices and don’t feel less than if someone else doesn’t attach value to that.

5. Acknowledge your feelings

Let's face it, we might compare ourselves with others even after reading this article. However, acknowledge your feelings. Journal how you feel. Ask yourself why you feel intimidated by other people's successes. Identify the triggers for that feeling and learn to avoid them. Admit that you don't have to be the best person out there to live your potentials. Talk about your feelings to a trusted friend and remind yourself of how amazing you ar